Look Through My Eyes
by MaddieLovesYou
Summary: Bella is a young, lost teenage girl with Aspergers Syndrome, and is teased, overwhelmed, and put into awkward, uncomfortable situations every day of her life. What happens when she is tired of holding on to herself, and makes a dangerous decision that could change things forever? Will she be able to overcome her depression and express her differences? -BASED ON A TRUE STORY-
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, guys...**

**Alright, well, I'm actually very nervous with this one , since I'm pretty much about to write my own experiences here. And it's terrifying. But It'd be better to get it out. **

**I guess I'll start.**

_I trotted through the meadows, exploring, observing,watching. blue Orchids were dancing upon the grass in the gentle winds, and the smell of sweet moss filled my nose. I felt along the bark of the swaying willows,in curiosity and wonder. Everything was so vivid, so pure, it almost scared me. _

_But I couldn't feel scared. I only felt peace in this blissful place. I never wanted to leave here. I wanted to stay forev-_

_"_Bella! Bella, dear, wake up!"

My eyes shot open, and I was immediately disturbed. I knew it was Monday, and I had to get ready for Hell.

School. I meant school.

"Bells, come on! Don't want to be late!"

"I'm up!," I grumbled, sliding out of bed and walking into the bathroom. I closed and locked the door, about to take shower, until I remembered I had already taken one before bed last night, so I just brushed the tangles out of my hair and headed down stairs.

"Good morning, Bells. I'm making breakfast," Charlie greeted, flipping a spatula around in a pan. I nodded, too tired to really say anything, and sat down at the table.

I really dreaded school, almost as much as I dreaded the bus. The thought of stepping into a capsule filled with staring people and noise made me shiver.

"Alright, it's done. Come get some if you want." Charlie grabbed a couple bowls and handed one to me.

As I got closer to the stove, I could smell an overwhelming aroma that made my stomach churn. He had diced and cooked up a pan of potatoes. I had lost my appetite, watching the grease shine off the thin potato skin, and stepped out of the kitchen, trying to catch a breath of unspoiled air.

Deciding to skip breakfast, I headed back up stairs to get dressed and brush my teeth. When I was ready for prison, I said goodbye to Charlie and waited out on the porch for the bus.

I held my breath as the large yellow vehicle turned the corner and stopped at the front of my house. I stepped on, nervously looking at my feet as I walked toward the center of the bus, feeling multiple sets of eyes on me. The driver became impatient, and pushed the gas, starting driving again. I flung forward, my shoulder bumping into someone as I tried to catch my balance.

"Sorry." My voice broke as I whispered, avoiding the boy's angry glare, and sat down in an empty seat. I kept my head down, not wanting to accidentally meet eyes with someone. I breathed slowly, grasping my bag as tight as I could, waiting. The yells and thunder of profanity rang in my ears, and the different smells of hair gel and body spray burned my nostrils. I would hear my name every now and then, and without thought, tried to tune it out, knowing it was about my lack of talking and clumsiness.

It was a very uncomfortable ride. A place I endured everyday.

I had no choice.

**Okay, that's all for now. Sorry if it isn't that great, I tried, really :)**

**I'll be writing more soon. Hope you enjoyed**


	2. Chapter 2

I finally had the courage to lift my head up when the bus came to a stop, and it seemed as if everyone stood at the same time. One after the other, the raffling riot made their way off the bus. Every now and then, one would politely let their peer go in front of them, Though I didn't have to worry about anyone doing that for me.

I was the last to get off the bus, and I followed behind the crowd into the school building, occasionaly catching glances at a teacher or student, then looking away in panic when their eyes met mine.

I didn't know why I had trouble with eye contact. Part of me believed it's that when I look at the eyes of someone, It's as if I really see them, and they really see me. Like I'm revealed, and judged, and expected to do something, to be more than I am.

There were probably a million more unexplainable reasons, but despite any reason, I couldn't help but look away.

"Good morning, Bella. How are you?"

I looked up in surprise to see one of my teachers, smiling politely at me. I didn't really know what to day, so I settled with a quiet "Good," and moved along awkwardly, until I reached my homeroom.

I sat in the middle of the room, then opened my journal and doodled around until the morning bell rang, and the teacher entered the loud, crowded jail cell of a room.

I didn't say a word throughout the rest of the class.


	3. Chapter 3

After a few more classes, the lunch bell rang, and a chain of thumps and slams sounded in the room, leading to hungry teens crowding out into the hallway.

My shoulders were hunched up against my neck in defense as people pushed and shoved one another to head towards the cafeteria. That was one thing I never really understood. Why was everyone so impatient? We were all going to the same place. Was manslaughter really worth a soggy burger?

I glanced around me, realizing I had been whispering to myself. My mental conversation was inaudible, but I could tell a few noticed me mouthing words to myself.

_Nice going,_ I thought to myself, realizing how strange I must've looked. I guess it didn't matter anyway. It seemed funny to me that I could go all day without saying anything if I wanted to, yet I could'nt keep from talking to my own head. I just get lonely, I guess.

I sat at a table with a group of girls that seemed to not mind me being around.I still said nothing, just ate my meal, listening to them chat about boys and friends and funny experiences they all had with one another. At some times, I wished I could be like one of them, happy and outgoing with lots of friends and maybe even a boyfriend or crush. But at other times, I couldn't even imagine going through with it. I never had known what it was like to be that way.

"Bella, how come you never talk?" One of the girls at the table questioned, and many voices followed after her.

"She never talks."

"She's so quiet."

"Why are you so quiet?"

I shrugged once, then sighed silently. Those phrases were familiar to me, since Elementary school. I didn't think much of it anymore. Just another thing the normal people liked to ask.

When I was finished, I gained the courage to stand, then carried my tray to the trash, my eyes fixed on my arms, my shoes, anything but the environment around me.

-They're not looking at you.

-They're not looking at you.

-Except for that guy.

-Don't look at him.

-Stay calm, They're just people.

These same thoughts ran through my head for the rest of the day, until I got on the bus.

A substitute driver. Lovely.

I sat in my empty seat, looking only at the trees through the window. I stayed quiet and still, listening to people talk about their day, and joke around with their group of friends. Sometimes I felt as if I were part of the conversation, like I was one of the friends.

"Where do you get off?" The sub bus driver looked at me, and I panicked a little inside.

"I-I, er...at.." I struggled with my words as my voice broke from not being used all day, plus I was almost terrified. When I realized I couldn't do it, I just pointed to the road, but my actions were useless.

"What?," Said the confused driver, and the students chimed in jokingly.

"She doesn't talk."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"She's mute?"

"No, she's talked before."

"Yea, like, two words."

They continued their remarks, as I sighed, looking back out at the window. They talked like I wasn't there...

I kept myself somewhat calm the rest of the way home.

Oh, how glad I was to be home.

Oh, how sick I felt, knowing I would have to go back tomorrow...


	4. Chapter 4

After another long morning of waking up and riding the bus, I began walking towards chemistry class. Mr. Banner was definitely one of my least favorite teachers, but the class was easier than the others, so I didn't worry too much.

Mr. Banner was waiting at the door, watching me walk down the hall to his classroom. I forced myself to look at him, but my eyes were kept slightly past his head.

"Hello, Bella." He greeted, a small, polite smile planted across his face.

"Hi," I said shyly, trying to force a smile, but it just came out as a small grimace.

I entered the back of the classroom, sitting down in my 'assigned table,' with a few guys with learning disabilities. I didn't mind them, but it really upset me that the teacher looked at me and assumed I had a learning disability. I could learn the same way as everyone else. I got good grades, sometimes better than the other classmates.

I sighed and walked to the front of the classroom, grabbing a pencil from the jar on the counter. Turning around, I heard a loud bang, and found that I had accidentally knocked the jar off the counter edge, sending pencils flying everywhere. I gasped silently, then sighed again, feeling eyes locked on me. Why was I so clumsy?

"Shh, shh, it's okay! It's okay!" the teacher cooed, putting his hand on my shoulder.

What did he assume I would do? Throw a tantrum? Burst into tears?

I held my breath at the thought, wishing for someway to take every pair of eyes off of me.

After picking up the scattered mess, I went through an hour of class, then slid past crowds of people to my locker. I had no trouble remembering my combination. Or the combination of my old locker from last year. And the year before. It surprised many people, but I didn't think much of it.

I gathered up my gym clothes and speed-walked toward the gymnasium, not wanting to be late. Suddenly, I became dizzy, my head pounded, and my eyes went black as I slowed down to a walk.

My Citalopram. Shoot. I forgot to take it.

I had been prescribed medication for my social anxiety and depression when I was 12 years old, I always hated the side effects.

When I got my sight back, I entered the gym and stepped into the locker room. I almost felt kind of lucky that I was the only girl in my gym class. I didn't have to change in front of anyone. Though, unfortunately, it brought attention to me.

When I was ready, I walked nervously to the center of the noisy gym, my eyes locked on the floor. When we were told to head out to the football feild, the boys cheered and shouted and ran out the back door. I held onto the bottom of my shirt, seeking for some form of comfort, and quietly followed behind to the grassy feild.

"Alright," Coach Scaw announced, popping his knuckles. "We're playing football,"

Cheering.

""Flag football."

Sighs and groans.

"Enough. Now, lets form two sides. Chan, choose the first team, Swan, choose the second."

My chest tightened as he called my name. I hated choosing people, especially ones I didn't know. They all looked similar, with basketball shorts and tanks, and they all acted in the same, rowdy and energetic way.

"Max," called a boy named Eric, choosing his first teammate. I froze, knowing it was my turn. Eric stepped next to me, already sweating bullets in the hot sun. The smell tempted me to heave. "Bella, let me help you. Choose Mikey."

I wasn't sure who that was, but I listened anyway, desperate to get this day over with.

"Mikey," I called, my voice tight and pitchy.

"_Mikey? You mean Mike?" _The coach questioned in humor, while roars of mock and laughter sounded from the crowd of boys. I blushed, and my stomach sank, realizing the boy named Eric had tricked me, had wanted to embarrass me.

After the teams were formed, we were lined up in front of each other, like the games on television I never really took any interest to.

"Alright," yelled a boy exitedly. "Max, you can be the quarterback, Tyler, the runnerback.."

I stopped listening to the unfamiliar references, until I heard my name. "Bella, you can, I don't know...oh, Bella, take on Ben."

Take on Ben? What did that mean? What was I supposed to do?

A whistle sounded before I could figure it out, and rough teens were swarming everywhere. Ben passed me, bumping into my side aggressively as he ran. Yells and complaints were heard from all different areas of the feild.

"Bella!"

"Take him on!"

"Why didn't you take him?"

"Aw, come ON!"

I sighed, biting my tonge as I held back tears, and I grabbed my shirt once again, desperate for just a little comfort at the least.

But the comfort never came.


	5. Chapter 5

I sat in the corner of my basement, silent and thinking. I listened to the laughing and talking of Charlie and his friends upstairs, and envied every one of them.

"What is wrong with me?," I finally mouthed, tearing up. I felt a pain in my heart that I was too weak to control. I crouched down further into the floor, my arms wrapped tightly around my knees. I just wanted to be normal, or better yet, I wanted to disappear.I didn't know what to do. So I cried. And waited. For what, I didn't know.

Until the thought came to me, The thought that had fought it's way into my head every time I felt this despicable emptiness.

I grabbed the large pair scissors that lay flat on a desk, and held them open to where I could hold one of it's blades individually. I slowly moved it toward the back side of my elbow, and held it against the visible blue vein.

"I don't belong here," I whispered, shaking as the tears on my face streamed faster, making it hard to see anything.

I stayed there for a while, trying to convince myself to do it, to just get it over with so that I could be free from my body, my mind, and the cruel Earth around me.

I dropped the scissors, bursting into tears. I knew I couldn't do it. No matter how bad I was hurting, I couldn't give in to my only cold wish.

Why? Why couldn't I do anything right? I was nothing to the world, a drop of water in a never ending ocean. Why couldn't I do this one thing?!

I stood and looked into the tall mirror, looked right into the puffy eyes I never really saw. "Why?," I prayed, my voice rough and dull.

"Can you even hear me? Say something... Help me! Kill me! Please...Just let me die..."

I lay down, hiding my face into a pillow on the floor as the cold room lulled me to sleep.

**Yea, Sorry this chapter's kinda depressing. It was sort of painful to write, but it feels good to finally get it out after so long. More will be coming up real soon. Thanks for reading. Er, Hope you enjoyed? :P**


	6. Chapter 6

The countless days after this were lifeless, dull, and unbearable. But I kept living. Well, living wasn't the right word. I was breathing. I was moving. Nothing more.

I wouldn't sleep. I wanted to. I wanted to get away, even if it only meant for a few hours.

I would eat some, to make Charlie worry less about me. I would eat little of my dinner, then go quietly upstairs to my room.

After a while I had found a temporary relief. It wasn't a great one, I knew this. but it was all I had left to do.

I lifted the sleeve of my shirt, observing the marks on the top and sides of my forearm. Only a couple were deep enough to leave a scar. I tried to be careful– I didn't like blood. It made me feel sick. The smell was metallic and terrible.

Some marks were done at school. I would take a sharpened pencil and jab it under my jacket sleeve, scraping my arm. for example, When they would laugh at me when I read aloud in class, I would do it without a second thought.

It didn't hurt. The feeling was numbed by my real pain. Pain from emptiness, loneliness. I would hope that somehow I would get lead poisoning, even though I knew the "lead" was actually graphite. I sometimes would take off my jacket and hope that someone, anyone, would notice the marks that were multiplying fast everyday, To know how bad I was hurting.

But no one would see. No one ever saw me. I was no one to them, just another meaningless freak. No one ever would try to look into my eyes and see the pain, because they knew I would just look away.

Everyone saw a misfit girl. Nobody saw a broken soul.

**Ugh. This chapter is sad. it will get happier, I promise. Rain before a rainbow, right? **

**I love the rain, though. hmm...**

**I had to listen to some sad-ish music, since I was actually really happy today. **

**Oh, and please, don't leave any reviews saying stuff like "Cutting is bad you shouldn't do it, it's dangerous"**

**I know. It was dumb, and I don't do it anymore. **

**Mostly because I have no reason to anymore :P**

**Well, I have nothing really to say now, so I guess I'll see you soon. Not really. I'll read you soon? No? I'll go now.**


	7. Chapter 7

It was Monday. Sometime in September. I had stopped counting the days. I was sitting on the porch, my eyes soaked and my cheeks red and raw. I was thinking back, remembering the old times when I was young and had friends in the neighborhood who accepted me and people who gave me a chance. At the time I thought the laughs and fun times I had with everyone would last forever. I wondered what happened, what changed. I knew I was the same as I had always been, but for many reasons I felt like a whole different person. Like someone had stripped away the good in me and left me to fend for myself.

I reminded myself. It was September. I would only have to deal with this until November. Then I would be ready. I would not back down. I would set myself free.

November. Just until November...

"Bella? Bella, hun, are you alright?"

Charlie came outside, either a concerned or confused look on his face. To be honest, I didn't know.

He sat down next to me, his hand on my shoulder. "Bella?"

I shook my head rapidly, unsure if I could talk to him. He sighed. "Did someone say something to you?"

I shook my head again.

"Did I do something?"

Again.

"Bella, please. Talk to me. Tell me wh-"

He froze for a moment, then grabbed my arm, turning it to see the multiple marks, old and new, in all different sizes and angles, wrapped around my arm. "Bella!"

I cried out in shock and guilt, tears streaming faster down my face. My mind swirled around as I wailed in shame. I tried hard to keep my breathing steady, but every time I gasped for air, It seemed as if my throat tightened in protest. I fell to the floor of the porch, listening to my father's voice.

"Bella! Breathe! Bella come on, focus, breath for me! Bella please! Billy! Help! Jacob, go get your dad! Help! Bella, breathe..."

Things started to blur after that. My mind seemed to betray me. Everything moved in slow motion.

I don't know when or how I got there, but I knew where I was. I was sitting silently, in Willow Sun Psyciatric Hospital.

My Mom had come down to the hospital once she heard about it. Both of my parents were in the waiting room when I arrived.

I was alone in a small, bright-lit room, With nothing but me and a chair, and a couch. Honestly, I felt scared. Scared, yet safe, somehow.

I don't know how long I was there, how long I waited. It didn't seem like too long.

The door opened, and an unfamiliar man came inside and sat in one of the chairs. "Hello, Bella. My name is Dr. Cullen. I will be helping you today. Don't worry, I'm just hear to talk."

And we did talk, Sooner or later. We talked for a very long time. I don't know what made me trust him so much, but I told him things I had never admitted to anyone in all my life. Though he seemed to listen. I admitted how I felt and showed him the marks on my arm. I even mentioned what happened in the basement a couple months ago.

After we spoke, he talked to my parents, and they let me go.

It was a weird, cold drive home.

I didn't know what to think of myself after that day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, guys. Sorry for the long wait. School started again recently. I'm trying to catch up with schedule. **

**Thanks for sticking around. **

**Also, this may be the last chapter. Yea. probably. Okay it is. This has been a wonderful experience and I have been receiving so much support from you guys. I couldn't thank you enough. **

**So here you go, no more waiting. Enjoy :]**

I never thought it would, but things actually started to get better.

Everything started getting easier by the day. I talked to Charlie more. I made a couple friends. I couldn't see them a lot since we all went to different schools, but it really helped to know that I actually had friends, and that they were there for me.

My mother bought me a piano over the holidays. Looking at it was like an optical illusion, but after a few hours I got the hang of it. Now It's my favorite place to be- right by the piano, matching the keys with one another to unlock a world of music and emotion and other things I could actually understand.

I was happier, I could admit at least. I was happy, and at peace. It was a foreign feeling I had forgotten about for so long. Sometimes I would stop and think, about everything, and wonder how I was still here, and thank God that I was.

I didn't regret anything, of course. I experienced real pain for the first time. I lived. And I learned. And now I was free.

Two scars were still left. Embedded in my wrist forevermore, always reminding.

But never would they leave me ashamed. They would encourage me always, to pick myself up right after I have fallen. Anytime I would see them, They would remind me not of the pain and emotions I went through. No never that.

They would remind me that I could make it through anything.

The Earth could tear me limb from limb, but I would stand strong, as mighty as a warrior.

The sky could rain fire for all I could care. They had always said that there is a calm before a storm,. It may be true, but it isn't the end. When the storm comes, I'll be ready. I'll remember the good times of the calm.

I was small. Oh, but my spirit was bigger than the world.

The world was no match for Bella Swan.


End file.
